Finally learning to be afraid of the right thing

"But God doesn't call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through."

- Francis Chan, Crazy Love, p. 124

I have always lived a comfortable life. Sure, circumstances in my life were hard, but they were things that happened to me, not things that I entered into of my own accord. This somehow made the hard easier for me.

College was full of a mix of required and voluntary reflection on my life's journey. Because of this, I entered adulthood able to clearly see that there has been a strong cord running through my life that has both screamed and whispered of God's faithfulness. Praise God, and I don't know why, but I have just always had a sense that God was with me and I would be okay. Not in terms of my circumstances, but in terms of my soul in a Psalm 62:1-2 kind of way.

So why, with this rich and real understanding of God's great faithfulness, steadfastness, mercy, and ability to reconcile all things for His glory, was I still actively and passively choosing to live comfortably? So many reasons. Big ones were laziness, blindness, loving the things of this world, and fear. But in these last two years, we've jumped head first into God's call to build our family through adoption (via foster care), and it has been both the hardest and the best thing we've ever done.

And let me be clear, I use the word "done" loosely. We are very aware that we are not doing this on our own strength. From the beginning, we thought of real and imagined hurdles and said: "God, if we heard you right, then we know you'll make this happen." And He totally did! Every. single. hurdle. GONE! And we went into this journey with eyes wide open, which helped us know it was wise to declare from the start that we'd need God to help us through each day.

So we jumped in, trusting that God would equip us. And He has! But it hasn't been the way I wanted. I wish I had amazing amounts of wisdom, perspective, patience, energy, etc. that I just don't have. Instead, He gives me just enough wisdom to know that I totally need Him to do this parenting gig well. It doesn't matter how many conferences we go to (by the way, this conference is amazing), books we read (I'm soaking this one up right now), specialists that help our child and us, God reminds us that while these things are all great, what we really need most is full and utter dependence on Him. Dependence for each moment, and for our child's present and future.

And God has been teaching me another beautiful lesson through it all: Rather than being weary at the fact that this isn't easy to do on my own, I am to be thankful that I need Him all the more (see 1 Thess. 5:18)! I need Him to come through for me every day, sometimes in each moment of the day when it's really tough. And you know what, He is here! He is present! He is teaching me and growing me in ways that hurt, but that I know I need! He is refining me in the fire, and while I sometimes feel all burnt up and used up, I mostly feel made anew. 

Best of all, I am not afraid of what life throws me, and have become afraid of living comfortably. I never, ever want to go back to living in such a way where I mistakenly think life is all about my small world and that I can do it on my own. This life of complete trust is so much richer! I am starting to get, at a gut level, the truths that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength & that apart from Christ I can do nothing (nothing that really matters anyway), and I want to keep learning. I want to keep growing in love and dependence on God.

Are you comfortable? If so, I encourage you to ask God to show you how He wants you to fully trust in Him. Ask and trust God to show you the places where He has uniquely made you and will equip you through His strength to do good works for Him, but where He needs you to jump in head first and trust Him. For the first time, this is where I'm at, and let me tell you that despite the toughness it is a beautiful place to be! Let's journey in this place together and keep each other on this less traveled road!! 

Oh how my heart swells...

...when I read a good book! One that feeds me heart, mind and soul. And that is exactly what Francis Chan's Crazy love did for me. Reading it was a time of great reflection. And I think we could all be honest and say we could use a dose of more reflection in our lives! Here are three things that impacted me from the book that I'm soaking in deep:

1. Asking myself honestly and regularly: Is God FIRST?

 "But the fact is that nothing should concern us more than our relationship with God; it's about eternity, and nothing compares with that. God is not someone who can be tacked on to our lives." (p. 96)

"Do you believe that wholehearted commitment to Him is more important than any other thing or person in your life?" (p. 97)

Yes, I believe that. But my life does not often reflect that. It is easy to get stuck in the busyness and pleasure (and sometimes sorrow or hardship) of daily life and forget that all I have and am is from God, and that my life's purpose is to bring Him honor and glory and partner with Him in His kingdom work in this world. I am reflecting on what it would look like if I lived wholeheartedly for God in the spaces and the people I am with, and in my own intimate life with Him. And I know that I'm not there. I am totally living for my family and community and tacking God on. Two years ago, my coworker challenged herself, and it in turn challenged me, to ask throughout the day, "God, what would you have me do right now?" It kept my focus on God, and off me, and I am going to take up this practice again.

     2.  ACTIVELY TRUSTING God to help me make Him first.

 "...the solution isn't to try harder, fail, and then make bigger promises, only to fail again. It does no good to muster up more love for God, to will yourself to love Him more. When loving Him becomes obligation, one of many things we have to do, we end up focusing even more on ourselves... Are we just fooling ourselves that we really can be in love with God and that it is more satisfying than anything else? I don't believe so." (p. 103)

Me either, Francis. I've tasted being in love with God, and living fully in the light of Christ's love, and I am thirsty and hungry for more!! I will put in the time - reading God's word and seeking Him in prayer, for example. And I will continue to trust that He will meet me, and nurture me and grow me, and desires to fill me with more and more of Him. He is and will continue to grow this love. And this love can only be great when I'm not convincing myself that it's my sole responsibility to do the work of making it great, aka focusing on me and my effort more than on God and His grace and mercy.

     3.  Focusing on my RELATIONSHIP with God. 

"When you are pursuing love, running toward Christ, you do not have opportunity to wonder, Am I doing this right? or "Did I serve enough this week?" When you are running toward Christ, you are freed up to serve, love, and give thanks without guilt, worry, or fear. As long as you are running, you are safe... if we train ourselves to run toward our Refuge, toward Love, we are free - just as we are called to be... It is when we stop actively loving Him that we find ourselves restless and gravitating toward other means of fulfillment" (p. 104)

As a doer, this is such a good reminder for me! My focus shouldn't be on the doing, but on the being with God; on pursuing Him and quieting myself to feel Him pursuing me. I only want to live, and move and have my being (Acts 17:28) out of the reality and space of God's great love. Imagine a life drenched in Christ's love. A life compelled by Christ's love alone. He offers this, and I don't want to settle for anything short of it!!

Are you wondering how in the heck to start doing this? Francis encourages being real with God! He writes:

"...tell Him how you feel. Tell Him that He isn't the most important thing in this life to you, and that you're sorry for that. Tell Him that you've been lukewarm, that you've chosen ________ over Him time and time again. Tell him that you want Him to change you, that you long to genuinely enjoy Him. Tell Him how you want to experience true satisfaction and pleasure and joy in your relationship with Him. Tell him..." (p. 111). 

Seriously tell Him, friend, because He is arms and heart wide open for you! Gave His one and only Son for you! Is full of unconditional love for you! And His love is better than life!!!

Sarai and Hagar and me

Genesis 16 got me today! So many gems in such a small chapter!!

For one, God reminded me how much I am a lot like Sarai (eventually Sarah), and how He is still so good to her and to me.

Sarai:

• Forgets the promise that God gives to her family, namely that God will provide Abram a son from his own body
• Tries to do things her way on her own strength, giving her Egyptian maidservant Hagar to Abram to conceive them an heir
• Gets frustrated when her plan doesn't work out, sadly despising and mistreating Hagar

How often do I forget the promises God makes in His word? Promises that are mine and yours and good and true and hard. How often do I get impatient with God's timing and try to take matters into my own hands, with an "I need to get this figured out now" attitude? How often do I get frustrated when I fail in my own strength, and instead of reflecting and repenting and binding myself to God, get mad, get stuck, take it out on myself, or take it out on others? Sadly, so often!

But praise God for His incredible grace! He fulfilled His promise to Sarai and Abram despite their shenanigans, and I can name a gillion ways he's blessed me despite myself. Sarai reminded me today of how good God is, how generous He is, how He is faithful to His promises, and how I can trust Him with my life in the big and small.

And Hagar, oh man did I learn from her...! She runs at the hands of Sarai (who wouldn't?!), and God, in His great mercy and kindness, pursues her and converses with her. Then something crazy happens: He tells her to go back to Sarai, who is mistreating her, and to submit to her. Whaaat? Then promises to bless her, and says some nice and not so nice things (like that her son will be a wild donkey of a man and will live in hostility toward all his brothers). I think about what I would do. Probably be ungrateful. "Thanks for showing up God, I care that you care. But seriously - go back? No way! And I'll take the increase my descendents part, but don't you have a better deal for my son? That's a little rough...! I appreciate you seeing me and all, but this is not the help I had in mind from you..." But not Hagar. She listens to God, accepts His speaking into her life, and in her amazement at God noticing her in her misery, says "You are the God who sees me" period. No whining, kicking or screaming is recorded. No ungratefulness either.

This part easily sticks with me: God noticed Hagar's misery and met her as she ran. I can remember times when God has done this for me. And I am instantly humbled and grateful!! What a good God we serve! The God who sees us! The God who notices us in our pain and in our running and pursues us and sweeps us into His arms of protection and love!

But I am keenly aware that this part also needs to stick with me: God's love and protection can also look like telling us hard truths that are good for us, even when they aren't what is in our plan, or what we want to hear, or what seems all that good at first glance. God tells Hagar to return to the very thing she is running from. The Bible doesn't say much about what happens, we just know Hagar listens to God and obeys. But I think I know how Hagar does this hard thing, because God is doing it for me right now. Knowing that God loves and sees me and is my comforter is giving me the strength I need to step into the hard things He is asking me to do. Does the hard stuff make sense? Not always, especially in the midst of the hard! But when we, like Hagar, see the One who sees us, we know He is good and has our good in mind. We know He is love and mercy and grace and justice. We know He is and always will care for us. So we willingly step back or deeper into the hard places He calls us to be, and cling to Him. If it were up to us, we'd run. But doing what He asks us to do in His strenght and under His protection is such a better plan. Sarai shows us where doing things our way and not waiting on God gets us... Isn't Hagar's way better? God is faithful to the promises He makes them both, and Hagar has to do something tough... But she does it with the big truth lovingly wrapped around her that her pursuer is the God who sees her. Knowing God sees me and loves me makes all the difference for me!

In the challenging areas and seasons of our lives, let's cling to One who sees us and asks us to go through it. Let's trust that He will see us through it and find peace in His love, provision and protection! Let's remember that He is faithful! He's been faithful to Sarai, to Hagar, and He is faithful to us. Praise be to our God, even when the path makes no sense and is just plain tough! He is tougher. And He makes us tough enough.

Living in the truth of Jesus' generosity

This Easter, and really this month, have been a new look at business as usual. I've been doing some much needed self-scrutinizing about how I'm doing life. But I needed an anchor for my reflections, and I found it in this question: "Is what you're living for worth Christ's death?"

I've been reading Jen Hatmaker's 7 and Helen Lee's The Missional Mom. I've been reading the Word of God, which says a lot about money and the least of these. I've been reading my favorite blog Flower Patch Farm Girl, and Shannan is all about missional living. I've been thirsting and hungering for more of God in my life and seeing Him everywhere and in everything and in everyone and really working in me. And through all of this, I see that something has been missing. And it is like what Shannan talks about here and Jen does in month 6: spending, esentially an eyes wide open realization that the way I am spending myself misses the point.

I've found myself on a Spirit-led journey that has brought me back to my roots. But in the returning, I've seen how my roots were just a shadow of the way things should be. Like this saying I've had on my fridge for a while. Part is my bullet point wording from some document from the City of Berkeley, part what I added:

Before I buy, can it be: reduced? reused? resold? repaired? rebuilt? refurbished? refinished? recycled? composted? do I need it? MAKE PURCHASES THAT FIT YOUR VALUES!!!

Jen summarizes my latest life lesson for me: God is about "generosity and underconsumption" (p. 157). I used to be so good at the underconsumption part. And it was a good thing. But it was for my sake (to pay down debt), or for creation's sake (to use less resources). I was missing generosity and the real reason for choosing to sacrifice the want for more comfort, more fun, more, more, more! And so I find myself now with a strong desire to underconsume again, but not for the same reasons. Now my heart is about being generous because Jesus was and is so generous with me. This Easter season it has really hit home that He has filled me with His extravagant love at the cost of His sacrifice and obedience on the cross. And His love has filled me so much (seriously, thank you, Jesus!) that I am seeing the need to likewise be obedient and sacrifice, all for love. Love for my Savior, and love for my neighbor that He has put in my heart rather than what I've mustered up on my own.

This Easter, Jesus is reminding me that life isn't about me. It is about Him, His love, His working in my life, His working in His world. He is teaching me anew about His amazing generosity on the cross, and how He asks (um, actually, tells) me to be generous in return. And not just with my things, or with my money, but all of my life. He wants all of me poured out and hungering for all of Him! And when I give Him all of me, I experience how He fills me. And when I'm filled with Him, the pouring out He examples and asks His church for (see the amazing book of Acts) just happens. I stop living like a Pharisee and start living like a disciple. And it isn't about sacrifice for sacrifice's sake, or out of self-love, or protection, or fear (save the planet!), or out of duty, or of general goodwill. But of love born of being the recipient of ridiculous mercy and grace from the most amazing person I know!

Thank you, Jesus, for dying for crazy ol' me! For pouring yourself into me! For giving me new and abudant life! For asking me to share of your abundance with others! Help me not to loose this lesson. Deepen this new understanding in me! And Jesus, help me to see where you are at work around me. Help me to prioritize my time, energy, money, and passions around your kingdom. Help me to breathe in deeply Matthew 6, serving you instead of money (or hobbies, or work, or self, or family). Help me to drop worrying and being busy about my own life, but instead to realize that you are my source of life. Help me to seek first your kingdom and trust in your provision for my true needs.

All Or Nothing Girl

One thing you should know about me: I'm an all or nothing girl. Sometimes this is a blessing, and other times a complete and utter curse. I am currently reading this awesome blog style book by Jen Hatmaker and she made me laugh out loud. She said that she went through a period where she burned every secular tape (or cd -- can't find the page again), then rebought them a 2nd time. Yep, sounds like a girl just like me. Except for maybe she's more "all" because I would have most likely donated them leaving my music to "corrupt" some other poor soul...

But in this area - secular vs. sacred - I am learning that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. All Jesus music or, gasp, un-Jesus music (or literature, movies, you name it). Maybe there is a different way of looking at this great debate!

Usher in the fabulous Calvin Miller, whose study I just read -- A Hunger for the Holy: Nurturing Intimacy with Christ. Here are some excerpts:

"The marvelous Christ pervades the entire world of thought and study. We have nothing to fear, therefore, by growing in many directions at once. In fact, the more we know of psychology or literature or mathematics or philosophy, the wider our perception of God becomes. J.B. Phillips, in his well-known book, Your God is Too Small, grieved that the God of harried, busy Christians really is too small. If this is true, it is because we give Him only a fractional, religious place in our lives. As we allow God to be in charge of more of our world, our understanding of His immensity will grow." - p. 96

"How small we keep God when we force Him to be the author of some printed devotional guide or doctrinal statement. We had better let God grow! Then we may meet Him in the art galleries of our world. There we will see the Holy One of Israel in the colored pinpoints of the impressionists or the heavy umber warmth of Rembrandt. Were any of these artists atheists? No matter. God exists in the very threads of their canvases and will not be denied. Was the composer an unbeliever? Never mind. His unbelief will not lock God from the concert hall. Does a book we treasure as a great piece of literature not concern itself with God? Nonsense. If the book contains any beauty or makes any sense, it has come from God as surely as Jesus did. Not only has it come from God, but God inhabits its pages. We read and meet the incognito Jehovah who passes His truth from the writer's paragraphs to our retina and never mentions Himself. But if the book is full of light, it is full of God." - pp. 102-103

This last piece is critical to me - it is a new plumb line of sorts: If it is full of light, it is full of God. If it isn't full of light, I can be "nothing" about it, but if it is full of light, even though it is not overtly religous, is full of God and I need not abstain from it or fear it. Calvin Miller goes on to address this directly:

"Certainly God has called us to evaluate the messages contained in art and culture, however we need to engage our world, not run from it. As more than conquerers, God calls us to see His majesty in all the world around us." - p. 103

Amen! Like Dirty Dancing says: No one puts Baby in a corner. So why put God in one? The sacred in one? Spurgeon was talking about the Word of God here, but I think his thoughts still apply: The Word of God is like a lion. You don't have to defend a lion. All you have to do is let the lion loose, and the lion will defend itself.

Is my all or nothing bent when it comes to sacred vs. secular putting God in a corner rather than letting Him be the lion that he is?

Some final thoughts and a challenge to ponder from Miller:

"I will never force the cosmic Christ into some corner where I may feed Him sour bits of church life. Nor will we meet only where the institution agrees to our meetings. He will be mine in His own music, and I will be both His song and His enthralled audience. At the table we shall talk of our love, and everywhere else we shall glory in it. Thus the intimate wildenerness expands until all parades and markets join with nature to celebrate His presence and thrill to His silent and roaring reality." - p. 103

I'd love to hear your thoughts in response to Miller! Please comment away and lets dialogue.

 

Ugly Areas

We all have ugly areas (Romans 3:23). Sometimes we know about them, other times they catch us by surprise.

Ephesians 5:8 says: For once you were full of darkness, but now you have light from the Lord. So live as people of light! Praise God I'm not full of darkness any longer! But oh dear are there times when I don't live as a person of light, where the darkness in me is bigger than I'd like and I need to cry out for God's light to shine on those areas.

I am in the midst of such a caught by surprise time. And my ugly area: selfishness.

Here's how it went down: Something wasn't going my way. It didn't seem fair. I tried to lay my crabby thoughts to rest, but they kept coming back and the thoughts got bigger and bigger. I've been working on hiding God's words in my heart, and His words pierced me: I did not come to be served but to serve (Matthew 20:28). Wow! I listened for maybe all of 30 seconds though, and my thoughts got the best of me. Rather than serving, I served up some attitude. Ugly, ugly, ugly. And I'm still in the midst of the ugly. I'm not going to excuse it, or run away from it. I'm going to lay all of the ugly at God's feet and ask Him to continue to shine His light on my darkness and bring that dark place into His light and under His authority.

Here's the cool thing, the thing I'm banking on to get me through this ugly: The Lord will see me through this! Rather than trusting in my own strength, which clearly didn't get me very far, I am trusting in the Lord! Check these verses out, verses that I am going to use to pray over this ugly area in me:

• The Lord turns my darkness into light (2 Samuel 22:29)
• ...my God turns my darkness into light (Psalm 18:28)
• Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell (Psalm 43:3)
• For you have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of life (Psalm 56:12-13)
• Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path (Psalm 119:105)
• I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them (Isaiah 42:16)
• He will bring me out into the light (Micah 7:9) -- Thanks Jedly Manimtim

While I don't know exactly how to rid this in me, praise God that He does! He will turn this darkness in me into light!

My prayer: Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139:23-24) Help me to have a heart to serve rather than be served. Help me to be a person of mercy and grace. Phillipians 2 rings in my ears! Help me to do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility help me to value others above myself, not looking to my own interests but to the interests of others. Help me to do everything without grumbling or arguing. Help me to shine like a star for your glory in this world! I lay my selfishness at your feet. Thank you for knowing my heart! Thank you for loving me despite my ugly. Thank you for leading me and not leaving me to fix this on my own. Apart from you I know I can do nothing, and I thank you for bearing this fruit in me! Help me to be patient as you prune me God. (John 15) Thank you for bringing this ugly to light!

Blesssing my Pants Off

I have been reading so much and have so many things I want to share. But for now, this song has been blessing my pants off!!!

These words get me every time: In death and in life I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love. My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love. I'm confident! Not in my own strength, or in chariots or horses, but in the name of the Lord our God! (Psalm 20:7)




What's the song that does this for you? Do tell!