Finally learning to be afraid of the right thing

"But God doesn't call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through."

- Francis Chan, Crazy Love, p. 124

I have always lived a comfortable life. Sure, circumstances in my life were hard, but they were things that happened to me, not things that I entered into of my own accord. This somehow made the hard easier for me.

College was full of a mix of required and voluntary reflection on my life's journey. Because of this, I entered adulthood able to clearly see that there has been a strong cord running through my life that has both screamed and whispered of God's faithfulness. Praise God, and I don't know why, but I have just always had a sense that God was with me and I would be okay. Not in terms of my circumstances, but in terms of my soul in a Psalm 62:1-2 kind of way.

So why, with this rich and real understanding of God's great faithfulness, steadfastness, mercy, and ability to reconcile all things for His glory, was I still actively and passively choosing to live comfortably? So many reasons. Big ones were laziness, blindness, loving the things of this world, and fear. But in these last two years, we've jumped head first into God's call to build our family through adoption (via foster care), and it has been both the hardest and the best thing we've ever done.

And let me be clear, I use the word "done" loosely. We are very aware that we are not doing this on our own strength. From the beginning, we thought of real and imagined hurdles and said: "God, if we heard you right, then we know you'll make this happen." And He totally did! Every. single. hurdle. GONE! And we went into this journey with eyes wide open, which helped us know it was wise to declare from the start that we'd need God to help us through each day.

So we jumped in, trusting that God would equip us. And He has! But it hasn't been the way I wanted. I wish I had amazing amounts of wisdom, perspective, patience, energy, etc. that I just don't have. Instead, He gives me just enough wisdom to know that I totally need Him to do this parenting gig well. It doesn't matter how many conferences we go to (by the way, this conference is amazing), books we read (I'm soaking this one up right now), specialists that help our child and us, God reminds us that while these things are all great, what we really need most is full and utter dependence on Him. Dependence for each moment, and for our child's present and future.

And God has been teaching me another beautiful lesson through it all: Rather than being weary at the fact that this isn't easy to do on my own, I am to be thankful that I need Him all the more (see 1 Thess. 5:18)! I need Him to come through for me every day, sometimes in each moment of the day when it's really tough. And you know what, He is here! He is present! He is teaching me and growing me in ways that hurt, but that I know I need! He is refining me in the fire, and while I sometimes feel all burnt up and used up, I mostly feel made anew. 

Best of all, I am not afraid of what life throws me, and have become afraid of living comfortably. I never, ever want to go back to living in such a way where I mistakenly think life is all about my small world and that I can do it on my own. This life of complete trust is so much richer! I am starting to get, at a gut level, the truths that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength & that apart from Christ I can do nothing (nothing that really matters anyway), and I want to keep learning. I want to keep growing in love and dependence on God.

Are you comfortable? If so, I encourage you to ask God to show you how He wants you to fully trust in Him. Ask and trust God to show you the places where He has uniquely made you and will equip you through His strength to do good works for Him, but where He needs you to jump in head first and trust Him. For the first time, this is where I'm at, and let me tell you that despite the toughness it is a beautiful place to be! Let's journey in this place together and keep each other on this less traveled road!! 

Oh how my heart swells...

...when I read a good book! One that feeds me heart, mind and soul. And that is exactly what Francis Chan's Crazy love did for me. Reading it was a time of great reflection. And I think we could all be honest and say we could use a dose of more reflection in our lives! Here are three things that impacted me from the book that I'm soaking in deep:

1. Asking myself honestly and regularly: Is God FIRST?

 "But the fact is that nothing should concern us more than our relationship with God; it's about eternity, and nothing compares with that. God is not someone who can be tacked on to our lives." (p. 96)

"Do you believe that wholehearted commitment to Him is more important than any other thing or person in your life?" (p. 97)

Yes, I believe that. But my life does not often reflect that. It is easy to get stuck in the busyness and pleasure (and sometimes sorrow or hardship) of daily life and forget that all I have and am is from God, and that my life's purpose is to bring Him honor and glory and partner with Him in His kingdom work in this world. I am reflecting on what it would look like if I lived wholeheartedly for God in the spaces and the people I am with, and in my own intimate life with Him. And I know that I'm not there. I am totally living for my family and community and tacking God on. Two years ago, my coworker challenged herself, and it in turn challenged me, to ask throughout the day, "God, what would you have me do right now?" It kept my focus on God, and off me, and I am going to take up this practice again.

     2.  ACTIVELY TRUSTING God to help me make Him first.

 "...the solution isn't to try harder, fail, and then make bigger promises, only to fail again. It does no good to muster up more love for God, to will yourself to love Him more. When loving Him becomes obligation, one of many things we have to do, we end up focusing even more on ourselves... Are we just fooling ourselves that we really can be in love with God and that it is more satisfying than anything else? I don't believe so." (p. 103)

Me either, Francis. I've tasted being in love with God, and living fully in the light of Christ's love, and I am thirsty and hungry for more!! I will put in the time - reading God's word and seeking Him in prayer, for example. And I will continue to trust that He will meet me, and nurture me and grow me, and desires to fill me with more and more of Him. He is and will continue to grow this love. And this love can only be great when I'm not convincing myself that it's my sole responsibility to do the work of making it great, aka focusing on me and my effort more than on God and His grace and mercy.

     3.  Focusing on my RELATIONSHIP with God. 

"When you are pursuing love, running toward Christ, you do not have opportunity to wonder, Am I doing this right? or "Did I serve enough this week?" When you are running toward Christ, you are freed up to serve, love, and give thanks without guilt, worry, or fear. As long as you are running, you are safe... if we train ourselves to run toward our Refuge, toward Love, we are free - just as we are called to be... It is when we stop actively loving Him that we find ourselves restless and gravitating toward other means of fulfillment" (p. 104)

As a doer, this is such a good reminder for me! My focus shouldn't be on the doing, but on the being with God; on pursuing Him and quieting myself to feel Him pursuing me. I only want to live, and move and have my being (Acts 17:28) out of the reality and space of God's great love. Imagine a life drenched in Christ's love. A life compelled by Christ's love alone. He offers this, and I don't want to settle for anything short of it!!

Are you wondering how in the heck to start doing this? Francis encourages being real with God! He writes:

"...tell Him how you feel. Tell Him that He isn't the most important thing in this life to you, and that you're sorry for that. Tell Him that you've been lukewarm, that you've chosen ________ over Him time and time again. Tell him that you want Him to change you, that you long to genuinely enjoy Him. Tell Him how you want to experience true satisfaction and pleasure and joy in your relationship with Him. Tell him..." (p. 111). 

Seriously tell Him, friend, because He is arms and heart wide open for you! Gave His one and only Son for you! Is full of unconditional love for you! And His love is better than life!!!